Illish DHM and Things That Made the Day Better

At approximately 1am last night (morning?), DHM decided to be ill.  I say "decided" because I'm an evil wench and when DHM is ill and needy, I always feel as if he did it on purpose.

Honey, I love you, but if you tell me to "suck it up" again, I may shave your head while you're sleeping.

Don't worry.  It wasn't the salmonella eggs, we checked.

Since DHM being sick is all about me, he suggested we make this a long weekend and relax.  I decided that I can't neglect my shiny new blog after only a few days of posting.  So here's a quick....

MONDAY, BY THE NUMBERS


6:30 A.M. - The time DHM woke up and decided he wanted us to move to the living room so that we can watch the big TV and digital cable.

6:31 A.M. - The first time today that I told DHM to go back to sleep.

600/600 - The Boy Child's score on his California STAR test, received in the mail on Friday.

1/8 - What the Boy Child of the Perfect Math Score thinks is equal to 1/4 plus 1/4.  Guess they didn't test adding fractions...(I'm starting to think he was just trying to get me to make his oatmeal for him).

4 - number of times I told DHM to take a nap.

44 million - number of times DHM claims I "ordered" him to take a nap.

12 - number of times I actually LOL'd (L'dOL is more like it, isn't it?) while watching The Losers on-demand.

3 - number of Android apps downloaded to occupy DHM on his brand spankin new Samsung Vibrant, since he refused to take a nap.  BTW, get these, apps, they're awesome:

GameBoid Lite for Android

This is a Gameboy Advanced emulator. So far, we've downloaded Pokemon and Final Fantasy, because DHM and I are just partially-grown-up gamer nerds.  Requires just a little bit of tech-ish skizzles, but so worth it. If you get this and need some help getting started, just give me a ring (virtually, that is).

Poke-a-Mole

It's Whack-a-Mole, but with your finger.

Simon!

10:45 p.m. - The time I finish this blog and attempt to go to bed while Charlie the Chihuahua takes up most of my pillow and barks at nothing.

*

Free Laptop, Chapter 2

wOot...I'm ready to click the blinky CLICK HERE.  This makes me so excited it's sad.  Let's pause briefly and take in the moment.

satisfaction guaranteed. oh, i believe you. you wouldn't lie to me, free laptop, would you?

OK, wait a minute.  What is this?

*Sigh*  Stand down, troops.  The journey is temporarily postponed while we investigate these possible pits of dollar-death-causing quicksand.

Wow, so it starts at the very first click.  Right here, I am giving my phone number, and agreeing to allow this list of companies to call and/or text and/or e-mail me.

Thanks to my spam cupboard e-mail and SPC phone app, I'm so not concerned about any of this.  Plus, I have no problem harassing any poor telemarketers that get me on their auto-dialer.  I used to be a telemarketer, dude.  I know you're playing rock/paper/scissors with your neighbor as we speak and you have no interest whatsoever in whether or not I'm picking up what you're putting down.  Pity the sucker who gets me on the line and tries to get me to subscribe to Mountain Bike Weekly for $50 a month.  I don't like mountain bikes.

Buh-ring it.

*

Free Laptop, Chapter 1.

I'm securing the proper provisions to get started (at least, as many provisions I can think of right now).

Here's what I'm starting with:

- Dedicated e-mail.  Participating in these offers is going to involve signing my e-mail up to tons of spammer mailing lists.  No problem.  I've created a free g-mail account expressly for the purpose of accepting all of the spam to come.  We'll call it the spam cupboard, where all the spam will go until three years from now when we might want to eat it.  If you're like most people, you may already have two e-mails - one for spam and one for personal use.  Good. Next!

- Dedicated bank account.  I'll most likely have to subscribe to a few paid "services" and/or sign up for some semi-sketchy "free trial periods" in order to complete all of the "requirements" of earning my free gift.  Since there's no way I'm giving my "real" bank info to these people, I took advantage of Bank of the West's free iPod offer and opened up a new bank account specifically for dealing with these people.  That way, if they start getting shady with their hidden fees, I pull the plug on the account, they get none of DHM's dollars and my real bank never gets touched.

The Great Disappearing Bank Account foils another would-be web-based bank robber!

- Phone protection.  I'm pretty sure that as part of the fine print, I'll be required to add my phone number to various telemarketing lead lists.  No problem.  I've discovered a really handy app for my g1 that lets me "blacklist" any numbers that I don't want to receive calls or texts from.  You can find it in the Android Market from your phone by searching "Super Private Conversation" or you can get it here:

Android apps at AppStoreHQ

I just add whatever numbers I don't want to receive calls or texts from to the app's Blacklist, and those numbers are not able to call or text me.  Simple.  They aren't able to leave messages, and I'm not even bothered with any sort of alert when/if they attempt to text or call.  This thing is way more effective than any federal or state no-call list.  (As an alternative, a lot of people have a home phone line that they barely use and never answer.  That would work, too.)

OK, I'm all packed and ready to go.  Wish me luck!

Random things I'm excited about at the moment

Kick-Ass is on DVD.  Yes, there are children super-heroes in this movie.  But, no, it is not a good idea to watch it with your children.  It's violent and gory, and there's an itty-bitty girl who swears worse than a sailor slicing people open with spears and wires.  The tiny assassin with the filthy mouth makes this movie awesome, though.  How can you resist a cute little face saying "I'm just fU**in with you, Daddy?"  Anyway, I hate movie theaters, but love to order On-Demand movies, and this one was totally worth it.

Eminem is again at the top of the charts.  It's like he woke up one day and said "Hey, I think I'd like to make number one hits now, and plus get all the money that comes with it."  And then he went ahead and did that.  We've missed you.  The entire album is awesome.  For me, the more you listen to his lyrics, the more you love the tracks.

Hawaii is in the Little League World Series once more.  Go WAIPIO!!!

The kids are going back to school very very soon.  This is a good thing because they have grown tired of spending their days with me.

DHM has authorized the purchase of a Magic Bullet blender.  I insisted that I needed it for blogging purposes.  And also to grate cheese and make fresh fruit smoothies.  Stay tuned for that report.

Bank of the West, Free iPod Touch, and Why I Need a Nap

In preparation for the Unicorn Travels (my perilous journey to conquer the internet in search of the elusive Free Laptop), I decided to open up a new bank account.

Do not. Do business. With companies that operate primarily on the internet ("CTOPI," I just made that up, and I probably will never use it again, but OK). With. Your primary. Bank account.

Repeat in bold.


Do not. Do business. With companies that operate primarily on the internet ("CTOPI," I just made that up, and I probably will never use it again, but OK). With. Your primary. Bank account.  It's a bad idea.

Since I've pretty much deduced that attempting to attain this free laptop will definitely involve doing business with the CTOPI (ha! I used it again), I figured a new bank account especially dedicated to this project was definitely required.

Miracle of miracles, at the same time that I am in need of a new bank account, Bank of the West is coincidentally offering all new checking accounts a FREE IPOD TOUCH.  No freakin way.  Awesome, I love free. I'm there.

Dear Husband of Mine (hereinafter know as DHM) and I decided to open up a joint account, because, after all this time, we've pretty much decided that separate accounts worked for us.  I'm not really sure why we all of a sudden think we need a joint account. Maybe it's just because we're married?  I can't explain my own thinking process, much less DHM's, and when we together have a mutually agreeable thought, there is typically no way to figure out how or why it happened.  I usually just accept that the miraculous has just occurred, and then move on.  Anyway, the needing a new account for CTOPI purposes, along with the FREE IPOD TOUCH was reason enough for me to meet DHM at the Bank of the West on his lunch break, to open the new account.  Yay, right?

Fail.

Upon entering the bank, we find it to be littered with a many, varied and (some) unusual sorts of characters lounging about the waiting room chairs and aimlessly milling around the lobby.

this isn't the actual bank. but you get the idea.

There are three tellers at the teller window but no one's standing in line there.  Everyone's waiting for a "banker" (the ones who are sitting at a desk, you know the ones) to help them open up a new account (DUH. Free iPods.  In the first 15 seconds of standing in the lobby, I lost count of how many times I heard the term "Free iPod.")  I had a question, and I thought maybe one of these super un-busy tellers could probably answer it really quickly.  Wow, no dice, big time.

Here, do this.  Stare at someone with the sole expectation of having them merely acknowledge your presence, and start counting.  Just stare and count (not out loud, that would make you seem strange).  If you get to 30, I bet you'll start to feel a little awkward.  40 and you're thinking, is this f*&ker ignoring me on purpose? 50 and you're ready to reach out and poke them in their shoulder, like "Hey, buddy.  Over here."  Resist the temptation.  Keep staring, counting and waiting for another 45 seconds, and then you'll kind of understand how I felt just trying to get this bank teller's attention.  I think she may have been asleep on her feet.  Maybe she's actually a cyborg teller* and someone turned her switch off to preserve battery power, because, like I said, she was decidedly un-busy (don't use that word, it's not a real word and you'll sound stupid).  I start considering directing my question instead towards the stuffed bear on the counter.

for service, please ring the bell.  or bang on it 40 times, until you break the curse inflicted upon my cyborg brain.

Ahem! Excuse me?

Snap, she's back in action.  Someone spoke to her.  I must have interrupted an ultra-super pleasant daydream or something, because she was instantly annoyed.

yeah.  can i help you?

I immediately apologize so as not to be vaporized, and then ask "Where do I sign in?" and she points with her laser gun** towards a desk in the lobby that is currently hidden under 3 teenagerish (also not a real word) types waiting to open accounts in order to get free iPods--all of whom, coincidentally, are CURRENTLY PLUGGED IN TO IPODS (selfish bastards).  "OK.  How long is the wait?"  She says at least an hour.  DHM throws his hands up and says he needs to get back to work.  I decide I'm going to stick this out.  Cranky, cyborg, laser-gun-toting bank tellers be damned, I need a CTOPI account and a free iPod.

But oh no, Bank of the West.  Things are not going good for you.

In the ensuing hour, DHM, the kids and I have McDonalds in the parking lot.  I get to have McNuggets with no sauce because they forgot to give it. I know the missing sauce thing is not Bank of the West's fault, but I am blaming it on them, because if it weren't for them, I would probably have had my lunch inside the L&L down the street.  In the air conditioning.  Did I mention this is Rancho Cucamonga during a heat wave?  Strike Two, BotW.

Later, as I wait in the lobby with 3 kids, of course two of them need to go to the restroom.  We walk down the hall only to find that the restrooms are locked. Seriously?! Locked restrooms?  Bank of the West, at the same time that you are giving away free iPods, are you also afraid that someone is going to steal the toilet paper?  Not to mention there are a hundred people in this bank right now, and anyone stealing toilet paper would have to march through the lobby to get out the building.

Back to the cyborg teller.

damn, somebody turned her off again.

Hey lady.  Look alive.

put the gun down, lady. i just want to get my kid to the bathroom before she pees on that chair.

OK, get this.  The key to the restroom is attached to a little bungee on her arm.  She won't give it up.  She tucks the gun*** in her waistband and then literally escorts our party to the bathroom.  I decide right then and there that diamonds and other valuable trinkets are hidden in the bathrooms of Bank of the West.

Returning from the bathroom after not stealing toilet paper or discovering any treasure, our little troop watches as a variety of individuals whine, shout, moan and b&*tch about the wait.  Several times, an olderish Asian woman insists that her name is the first on the sign-in sheet, and several times, a banker tells her that yes, it is first.  It's first at the top of page 3, and they are currently servicing page 1.  After being interrupted in her account-opening work 16 times by people asking "How long is the wait?" an ornery banker barks at a customer "It takes as long as it takes!"

The customer is always wrong biatch.  Strike Three, Bank of the West.  You lose.

My name is finally called.  Well sort of.  My first name can never be pronounced at first glance, because of it's odd nature.  So, a very confused banker starts mumbling syllables that I recognize and I raise my hand.  I recognize the banker from earlier when she was making the old Asian lady cry.

her horns are tiny so that you can barely notice them. as a matter of fact, she only busts them out when provoked by hordes of needy customers asking stupid questions.

Because I do not want my soul possessed, I decide not to mention to the nice horned banker that her bank sucks.  I politely hand over all my personal information, collect my new account package and leave as quickly and quietly as possible.

Mission accomplished.

LOOOOoong story short: Bank of the West sucks.  Soon as I get this free iPod and finish Project Internet Unicorn, I'm out.

**********************************************************************************

* Cyborg tellers are a great idea.  Think about it.  They will always perform their mathematical functions perfectly, will never complain about standing for too long, and will never ignore you while they have conversations with their neighbors and drink coffee.  The only drawback I see is when you switch them off during un-busy times and forget to switch them back on when someone has a question.  Maybe a remote controlled cyborg teller?

** The teller doesn't really have a gun.  Certainly not a laser gun, because I don't think they actually exist in real life.  This is an exaggeration.  Hyperbole, if you will.


*** Again, there is no actual laser gun.  This isn't Star Wars.  It's Rancho Cucamonga.

Project Number 1: Free Laptop, aka, "The Internet Unicorn"

So....ever get this e-mail? Curse out loud and hammer on your mouse to kill this pop-up?  Stumble across this ad while shopping online for custom chihuahua collars?  (dog collar part just me?)

oh, oh, it's blinking! it's PURPLE! it says "CLICK HERE"
i am mesmerized.
THIS MUST BE THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!!!

Sure you have.  Unless of course you don't have an e-mail, or don't shop online, or don't have a computer...in which case, WELCOME TO 2010.  I recommend you try the salmon sushi (it's my favorite).

Back to the *FREEEE LAPTOP BLINK BLINK BLINK*

A free laptop, seriously - is this possible? Could it be? No one really knows I guess, because google free laptop and all you really get is a slew of blinky blinky bright pink ads offering everything from a free ipad to this <---------- Sony Vaio.  No one out there seems down to let people know if this laptop is actually attainable for free.

B.S.! Balderdash! No way! Unbelievable! Don't fall for this, this is a trick! DO NOT CLICK THERE, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BLINKING!!!  In other words, NO ONE IN HIS SLASH HER RIGHT MIND WOULD TRY THIS, EVER.  It may even be a horrible trap that will steal your soul.

Psshhh. I'm not scurrd.


Does the magical, mystical unicorn of the internet -- the FREE LAPTOP -- actually exist?  Most would say of course not.  Most would say stay away.  Most would be skeptical, logical and sane, click delete and move on with their lives, pleased with their powers of reason and skeptical-ness (that's not a word, don't use it, you'll sound stupid).

But you don't know me.  That's how I roll.

They (and by "They," I mean myself) don't call me The Gullible Consumer for NOthing!  No, I've decided that these nice people are just trying to promote their awesome products and services by offering us consumers a useful and desirable item to get our attention.  Well, they got MY attention, for sure.  So, yes, my first adventure will be to capture this mythical creature known as Free Laptop. Grab it by the horn, I tell you.  By the horn. And I'm going to document every step and every detail of this perilous journey purely for your information (or entertainment, whatever works).

Let me be the first to say that this little quest has a high probability of going horribly awry.  Many innocent dollars may be lost in the battle against the evil dragons of ridiculous internet offers known as Fine Print.  I am not in any way inviting you to try this.  But I AM bound and determined to finally clear the fog of mystery surrounding this unicorn of the internet.

Whatever happens, it'll at least be interesting. And unicorn or no unicorn, at least we can say we tried (well, I can say I tried, and you can say you read about somebody who tried).

Stay tuned.  It's goin DOWN.